STRESSED? TOO BUSY?
TAKE A BREAK & HAVE A LAUGH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAwhrLHsIGQ&feature=related
This is the Unstoppable Dancing Man - sometimes called "The Power of One"
A lone man starts dancing ... albeit not very well ... at a concert. He is joined by one other, then another ... suddenly from half a dozen people the whole hillside is rocking out, dancing very badly and having the time of their life. If he hadn't started dancing, no one else would have. It just takes one. (This video brought to delegates at DIA VIC Seminar, Ballarat, by Speaker Kerry Clarke of Ballarat Business Centre.)
http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm
http://www.theonion.com/articles/al-gore-caught-warming-globe-to-increase-box-offic,2111/
http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CLUDK&Funny_Pictures=Church_Comedy
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for
a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because you had lost your job and we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special target of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in!"
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
When our son Adam was five we got the dreaded question ," Where did I come from ? " back then I really wanted to tell him to wait till his Dad came home.
However the experts of the time advised explaining it all in that age group lanuage truthfully. So I went off on " The Talk " wishing I had found him under a cabbage.
I left nothing out. When I sighed relief and thought I had done a pretty good job , Adam said " No Mum, where did I come from Sydney or Canberra ?"
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started.
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started.
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started.
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"
"No," I replied.
"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"
"I really don't have any," I said.
"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.
"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY... From Heather
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss,like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right,it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib,but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the
ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Bluey says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Bluey?'
'Steve's wife gave it to me,'
Bluey replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Bluey says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.'
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete he said, "Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English, you're just lazy," the doctor replied.
"Okay," the man said. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Over in the U.K. , a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”
“How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After fifteen minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
Little Donna was in the back yard filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you doing there, Donna?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Donna tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Donna patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of
the house of ill repute over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mum!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
First I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
Then this lorry full of tortoises going to the local zoo collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had got a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
Next I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'
I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
I went into Harvey Norman and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'So where is he then?'
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. I think he's bi-satchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my Mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil
and all the sardines were dead."
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and says "then you must be....?"
"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."
As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog's heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn't harm her, but by law, I'm forbidden to give medical advice. "If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you'd call me," I explained. "In this case, you really should consult with your own physician."
"But it's one in the morning!" she exclaimed. "I can't wake my doctor."
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. After some deep serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"
Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
IMPORTANCE OF LABELS
It's the shampoo I use in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish detergent.
Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved! Geeeeze! It sure pays to read the label!
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!
Now we're going to have to go in the boat."
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
"I don't know if you heard, but astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space." -Jimmy Fallon
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." -Jay Leno
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan
My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 65?"
"Yes, I remember," I said.
"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."
These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a
park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher
approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front
of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Very short letters
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the Ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy The council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes.." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?" No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
And everyone was happy. :)
Idle thoughts from wandering mind ...
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
I had amnesia once---or twice
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Dear Mother-in-Law
Please don't try to tell me how to raise my kids.
I'm married to one of yours and believe me there's room for improvement!
Sincerely
Your Daughter-in-Law
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That’s disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That’ll be me then," said Paddy.
A brilliant research scientist was finally able to overcome the obstacles to cloning a human being. With his new, secret technique he wanted an ideal subject to clone. He thought for a while, and considering that he was a genius he decided to clone himself.
But the experiment didn't turn out very well. The clone was terribly ugly, and used the most vulgar language the doctor had ever heard. So he took it to a cliff and pushed it off.
The police, however, got wind of what he was going to do and actually saw him get rid of the clone. "You're under arrest," shouted the officer.
"You can't arrest me," replied the doctor. "I didn't kill anyone. That was only a creation."
"That may be so," answered the police, "but we have to arrest you for making an obscene clone fall."
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up right in her neighborhood. "How convenient," she said. "I can walk to it!"
A band director was standing outside on a metal ladder during a concert, when a thunderstorm broke out.
Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning, but the music was awful - it seems he just wasn't a very good conductor.
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
In the line at the store, the check out chick frowned as she told the older woman that plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologised for not bringing a reusable bag with her, and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
That's right, they didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the
shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were
recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back her day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an elevator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and
didn't climb into a 300-HP machine every time they had to go a mile up the road. But she's right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's nappies because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.... "wind and solar power" really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a
screen the size of the state of Tasmania. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do
everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the train to work and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a
computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But that old lady is right. They didn't have the green thing back in her day.
Pass this on if you remember those recycling days!
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Sheila, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Sheila, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost my legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless, and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce, I'm here."
"Sheila."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're nothing but bad luck!"
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..' He just knew what it was... he jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,'said the Boy,'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.' Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything..
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me... that's all.... now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done..'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
SMILE, God Loves you!
Quickies
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner!
Talk about Dyson with death.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
An excited army recruit asked his Company Commander for immediate leave as his wife was going to have a baby. Permission was granted, and when the leave pass had been issued and the soldier was leaving, the officer asked exactly when the baby was due.
"About nine months after I get home sir", replied the recruit casually.
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates he
saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man 'and whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Julia Gillard's clock?' asked the man.
'Julia's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'
Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says,
"Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy
a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.
"Watch and learn bro," answers an Aussie ..
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket please."
All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '
80% held up their hands..
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'........ 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '
'I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly..
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? '
'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world? '
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches. '
MAN OF THE HOUSE
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out, only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
He had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Swiss and a South African, went into a nightclub.
The bouncer says "I can't let you in without a Thai"
Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "Solved the puzzle! 61 days! Solved the puzzle! 61 days!"
The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting "Solved the puzzle! 61 days!" ?
One of the three answer, "Because the box said 2-to-4 years!"
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
In the Public Service ... however ... a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed ... such as:
1. Change riders.
2. Buy a stronger whip.
3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses".
4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.
5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.
8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is.
10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".
11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.
12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.
14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses.
15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
For those who delight in the vagueries of the English language
CANDIDATE FOR
A PULLET SURPRISE
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.
Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.
Jerrold H. Zar.
A man applying for a job at a Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, Bridge Oil shares, a Beta video player and took up all the Telstra floats. Then I voted for Labour in the last election.
How am I doing so far?"
A man goes to his doctor and said he thought he was having hearing problems.
The doctor says "Can you describe the symtoms?"
Puzzled the man replies "… yeah … Homer is yellow, fat and bald, and Marge has blue hair and a pearl necklace…"
What's invisible but smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts. (Hey! I don't write them!)
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman, a bishop and a hooker, a one legged man, a blonde and a talking dog walk into a bar.
The Bartender says "Is this some sort of joke?"
http://www.theonion.com/video/how-to-put-the-spark-back-into-your-relationship-w,14398/
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished... naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?"
'
'No.'
'
"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand"
A German farmer with relatives in Ireland promised them some fresh pork sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs.
But as the weeks went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet arrived.
He told them, "Don't worry. The wurst is yet to come."
Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"
The day after the guy with no arms fell to his death, another fellow shows up and said that he was the brother of the man with no arms and he wanted to audition for the bell ringers job. Quasimodo takes him to the bell tower, the guy picks up the wooden mallet and starts to ring the bells. He took a huge swing, missed the bell and fell over the balcony to his death. Quasimodo runs outside and the policeman asks him who the fellow was. Quasimodo says, "I never got his name but HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER."
A Potato Story
You know that all potatoes have eyes . . . Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other. They finally got married and had a little one -- a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "Yam." They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting Half Baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
She said not to worry -- no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. Mr. and Mrs. Potato even warned Yam, before sending her to Europe, to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said that she should watch out for the Indians, when going out west, because
she could get Scalloped.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U." (Potato University) from which the Big Potatoes come; then, when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and told them she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told her that she couldn't marry him, because he's just a . . .
COMMON TATER!
Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want no Mo.
Art Thief
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.
The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 AM?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
The banker fell overboard while taking a cruise on a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, and not knowing if the banker could swim, shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Of course!" the banker yelled back, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
The problem - There's a box with a hole at each end and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later...etc., etc.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes.
In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.
Back during the days of expansion to the west, people traveled by stagecoach. This was not a particularly comfortable way to go, with the bumpy paths and crowded seats. However, there wasn’t much choice.
Being in business to make money, the operators of these stagecoaches tried to think of various ways to increase revenue on each trip. People were willing to pay not only to ride out west, but they were willing to pay to ship things to friends and relatives who had already relocated. Of course, passengers were the most lucrative. So it follows that the more people you could transport on each trip, the more money the company made.
With that in mind, these companies began restricting passengers to being under a certain weight, in order to fit three people in a seat instead of only two. Not only was this extremely uncomfortable for the travelers, but it became obvious to those wishing to relocate that there would be no west for the reary.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
usual disclaimer ...
if any of the foregoing offends thee, please advise me and I will smite it from mine page ... or you could send me some new material
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